To Kiss An Idol

“No hyung, it’s fine. I can drive him,” said Kyung-Soo urgently.

“I said I will drive him and that is the end of the discussion,” rebuked Korain.

“I will come too,” announced Jeong-Eun. He had to see Nivritti. He had to talk to her.

“Why?” asked Korain.

“Youngie Hyung needs support. His doctor said so,” replied Jeong-Eun.

“I will be there to support him. What are you talking about?” scolded Korain.

“That’s great. You can drive them, I will start the cooking by the time you guys come back,” Kyung-Soo blurted out. He thought for a while, while Korain and Jeong-Eun were bickering and formed a plan. He knew if he would go inside the kitchen everyone will panic and he would get his way.

“NO!!!” everyone shouted at once.

.....

“No, I will take care of the food. You can drive them,” said Korain.

“We can order from outside no one has to cook,” said Him-Chan.

“Doctor said Youngie has to eat home-cooked food and cut on fast food. He needs to eat healthily,” informed Kyung-Soo.

“Yeah, right. Okay, then it’s settled. NK will drive PJ and MY to the hospital after practice. The rest of us will come back home to do our chores,” ordered Korain.

“Don’t you think Hyung, we should now call our cleaning and cooking crew? We are going to be busy in a few days,” said Thae.

“For the first time, he said something meaningful. Oh, I am so proud of you, Hyung!” teased Jung-Hwa.

“Oh, shut up!” scolded Thae.

“Okay, I will call Manager Park and ask him to inform our usual crew and get an NDA signed. He is right we will need as much time we can get on our hands and cleaning and cooking after dance practice is going to be tough,” said Korain.

“And then advertisement shootings, photoshoots, weekly videos, we are going to be swamped with work,” nodded Him-Chan.

“Let’s all get ready for some hard work while resting well. Also, take care of your mental health. If you think you need help, you should contact Dr. Tan Hei-Ran. She said that she would help every one of us if we need it,” said Korain.

“Or talk to Ritti. She knows a lot,” smiled Jung-Hwa.

“But she is not a trained professional,” replied Korain.

“Still she can be of help,” said Young-Chul while sipping his green tea.

“Yeah, yeah, we know you are her fan,” smiled Thae.

Young-Chul just shook his head in disappointment and looked at everyone. He chose not to say another word and kept eating his breakfast.

After they were done with breakfast, all dumped the utensils in the sink and drove in three separate cars, surrounded by bodyguards, and reached the practice room. The whole day Kyung-Soo kept staring at the empty benches.

“She could not have messaged me that she was not coming here today,” mumbled Kyung-Soo, angrily.

After a hectic day of dance, Kyung-Soo, Jeong-Eun and Young-Chul took a shower in the practice room’s bathroom and were ready for the hospital. The rest of the boys went home, did their chores, and took a bath.

Young-Chul went inside the therapist’s room and for the starting 15-20 minutes, he didn’t even speak. He had already done two sessions with her, but he was still not ready to open himself to her. They both sat in silence.

“Take your time, Man Young-Chul, there is no hurry,” said Hei-Ran.

Young-Chul cleared his throat, “is Ritti coming next?”

“Who?” asked Hei-Ran.

“Nivritti Rathod, she is a friend,” replied Young-Chul.

“I am sorry Man Young-Chul, I cannot reply to that. And we are here to talk about you not anyone else,” said Hei-Ran, stoically. Hei-Ran rarely showed any emotions to her patients.

“You know she helped me come to this decision that I needed help,” said Young-Chul.

“Could you elaborate on that?” asked Hei-Ran.

Young-Chul again cleared his throat and sat straight on the chair. “Um… one day she was talking about her fears and her history of therapy and how they benefitted her.” He stopped for a minute and gulped.

“Go on,” nudged Hei-Ran.

“When she was talking about her issues, I realised that I too had some of the issues. But for me it was too late, my mental issues started wreaking havoc in my body and I started to show physical symptoms,” narrated Young-Chul.

“That’s how you came to the hospital,” recalled Hei-Ran.

“Yes, and then she came to see me, she held my hands, gave me positive reinforcement, took care of me and gave me the strength to commit myself to therapy. If she would not have come into my life, I would have just gotten medicine for my physical symptoms and would have left the hospital,” said Young-Chul.

“So, she is your support,” said Hei-Ran.

“Yes.”

“Do you love her?” asked Hei-Ran.

Young-Chul chuckled at her comment. “Why everyone thinks that if I talk about her or show any interest in her, I am in love with her?”

“Sorry! Didn’t mean to offend you,” said Hei-ran.

“No need to be sorry, Doctor. I know that I have to tell you the truth no matter what. I know I must not hide anything from you. That is one of the issues I have. I have to hide so many things from everyone and that is taking a toll,” said Young-Chul.

“So, you have a lot of secrets?” asked Hei-Ran.

“Who doesn’t? Take for example I cannot tell my fans that I was sick, or I am seeking therapy,” said Young-Chul.

“May I ask, why not?” asked Hei-Ran.

“Rencontre is coming up, our fans think we are getting ready for it, if they get to know that I was sick, they will think we might cancel the Rencontre, there will be chaos and panic. Our fans would storm our house and our place of work, and no one will be able to stop them. Then about therapy, you know how Korean thinks about therapy. I am struggling. She wants us to be an example but then again what if my own industry shuns me? What will I do then?” asked Young-Chul.

“She being Nivritti?” asked Hei-Ran.

“Yes.”

“Okay! Then tell me this, if you think therapy is bad, why are you here?” asked Hei-Ran.

“I don’t think therapy is bad,” said Young-Chul.

“If we have to hide something from others, we do that because we think we are doing something wrong. If you are hiding the fact that you are in therapy, it would mean that you are not completely in the agreement with seeking therapy,” said Hei-Ran.

“That’s not true. You don’t understand…” said Young-Chul.

But Hei-ran cut him off, “leave therapy. Tell me why you can’t tell your fans that you were sick.”

“Because I am an idol. Idols are like God, they can dance for hours, they can sing for hours, they perform for hours, they produce their own songs and after doing all this they go back home and do their own chores. One herculean task after another and we do them without taking breaks or even breaking a sweat. IDOLS NEVER GET ILL,” explained Young-Chul.

“Is that your belief or your fans?” asked Hei-Ran.

“That’s what the industry has been portraying us as and now fans have started believing that,” replied Young-Chul.

“What do you believe? Are you a god?” asked Hei-Ran.

“No, I am a mere human who had been placed on a pedestal and now I have to hide my real self from everyone. I have to show my fake, happy persona on the camera every single time,” Young-Chul’s voice was starting to break.

“Do you regret being an idol?” asked Hei-Ran.

“I don’t know. I love making music, I love dancing, I love performing but sometimes it feels like I am pretending. There are a lot of people doing the same thing and they are better than me. So why am I even here?” tears dropped from Young-Chul’s eyes.

“So, according to you, if there are so many doctors in this world, why should anyone try to study and become a doctor?” asked Hei-Ran.

“No, I didn’t mean that. If no one will study and become doctors who will replace retired doctors,” answered Young-Chul.

“There you go, you answered your own question. Man Young-Chul, even if you are not good as some of the people in your industry, your industry needs people who can do things that you do,” Hei-Ran sweetly made him understand her point.

“So, what do you think is wrong with me?” asked Young-Chul.

“I cannot answer that for you right now. This is the first time you spoke with me. I need time to know you, diagnose you and then help you,” replied Hei-Ran.